By Matt Lane
There’s plenty of reasons you might think winter here at MSU isn’t that bad. Maybe you’ve never seen snow before and believe that it’s a lie clothing companies made up to sell winter coats. Maybe your parents died in a plane crash that left you alone and stranded off the coast of Antarctica where a flock of penguins found you and raised you as one of their own. Now that you know the secret techniques penguins use to survive the cold you can handle anything right? Unfortunately, penguin magic and conspiracy theories cannot prepare you for winter at MSU. Let’s start with the facts:
Fact 1: Campus is Huge
MSU is like, really big. So big, in fact, that Albert Einstein once wrote of the place
So, if you ever find yourself caught in a snowstorm, don’t try to find your way back. It’s better to wait out the storm; try lighting a trashcan on fire for warmth. Well the stuff inside the trashcan actually, not the trashcan itself. Anyways, just don’t try and walk back if you can’t see because odds are you’ll get lost and the next thing you know you’ll be in Canada. Do this three or four times and the Border Patrol gets a lot less forgiving.
Fact 2: You will get sick
Remember how exciting it was to apply to a school with so many students? With 40,000 people here surely one of them is bound to be your college sweetheart, best friend, mentor, etc? While in reality you may not end up meeting the love of your life here, it’s pretty likely you’ll meet the person who’s going to give you the worst Flu of your life. So accept it and learn to live a little. Take a drink from your sick friend’s glass. Shake hands with complete strangers. Lick a doorknob. Basically do whatever it takes to get your seasonal cold out of the way before finals.
Fact 3: Snow is Dangerous
While you no longer have to fear that a polar bear will burst out of a nearby snowbank to eat your adopted-penguin parents, (leaving you alone once again) other dangers remain here at MSU when it gets too snowy out. Watch out because the ice tends to form on the concrete that isn’t heated, especially by the stoplights where the snow tends to build up. Honestly, this is the only useful piece of advice on here. For example, one time I was walking across the parking lot by Breslin I slipped and nearly gave myself a concussion. It was like 2:00 am and so if I fell and couldn’t get up no would have known. So don’t do that.
Also, I know that earlier I said “let’s start with the facts.” Well in hindsight the facts are self explanatory so this is about it. To summarize all of this I’m gonna say that you should just learn your bus routes.